Parenting Thoughts

There are several realizations I think are key to parenting.

1. Your child is not an angel.
2. You can not make your child an angel.
3. Your child will be who they will be.

...and 4. Give it your all.

Your child is not an angel.

It always amazes me when I meet parents of my students who seem incapable of understanding their son or daughter can do naughty things. I immediately think back to my own childhood.

The evidence abounds.

It's what children do. They find the line, they toe it, jump over it, run back and (if not corrected) use that to gain speed the next time they vault across. Children make mistakes and learn. It's part of the process of growing up. I've yet to find anyone who doesn't have childhood stories. The bigger the mistake; the more epic the story (and hopefully the lesson).

Yes, your kid will lie about homework. Yes, your kid will try to spin things so they are in a more favorable light. Your child may even truly believe their spin: people are normally self-centered by nature. Most of us want to believe ourselves better than we are even when we know we're not.

That brings me to Shane.

Shane already suffers from "I want to be the boss" syndrome. He gets very angry when he doesn't get what he wants and he actively looks for ways to achieve his own ends. After you tell him "no," he may tell you he loves you, hug you, and then ask again. He may also throw a fit.

If I were to take this personally or look at it as an indictment of my parenting skills it would be depressing.

I don't, though. I love my son. What he's doing is something that children do. My son is not Jesus reborn, free of sin, and perfect.

My job is to love him, provide for him, and to guide him. That means discipline (which really sucks by the way...).

You can not make your child an angel.

To keep calm in front of a wailing three year old who tries to punch you and knock over chairs is an act of patience and love. There have been numerous times Shane has pushed all of my buttons to the point I was tempted to spank him. I didn't, because I don't think it would help him grow. If anything, Shane would probably see it as either an attack and "I can't trust Daddy" or "See? Daddy hits, so it must be okay."

I see the temptation to give your child everything now. Discipline is tough, and I rarely feel like I know what I'm doing 100% of the way. To give in to random demands would avoid the fight and allow me to watch my son's eyes light up with every new delight. But that leads to a different kind of death of character through spoiling. Then going forward you have to face the man your child grows into.

That's the other catch: you cannot force your child to become an angel, but you can sure as there is hell set them way back on their trip.

Your child will be who they will be.

I don't believe in trying to make Shane a mini-me. I wouldn't even if it was possible. I would love it if he shared some of my passions, though. I would love to bond with him over highly nerdy things or sports.

I cannot make him like something that is not in his nature. It is not a mistake to expose him to things I like or give Shane opportunities. It is a mistake to try and force him into them as much as it is to hammer a large square peg through a small round hole.

I said it earlier in different words: it's easier to screw up a kid than to guide them correctly.

Give it your all.

But parents do have a large effect on children. Parents provide the opportunities and support for children to grow into the best person they can be. You cannot make them perfect. You cannot pick who that person will be ahead of time.

The most important goals of a parent as I see it are to love, to instill the seeds of faith, discipline, and empathy at a young age, to be role models in everything they do (good and bad), to provide a framework of safety and structure to learn and grow in, and to be thankful for whatever time we have with our children.

Parenting is tough. I've only done it for three years. I am constantly praying for God to mold me into the father than my family needs me to be. There are days where all my buttons are mashed until they're stuck down. Most of the time it's not like that, but the work is unending. Your child will see the real you. You can put your best face on for only so long, but when they live with you they're going to see what happens when it slips. How will you react? How will you handle disappointment? Stress? Sickness? Fear? Happiness? Joy? When will you laugh and at what will you laugh the loudest?

Sometimes your mistakes can be the greatest lessons that you never intended. Alcohol was a poison in my family history before I was born. Alcoholism wasn't something that happened "to somebody else." It made my parents very wary of it and that was passed on to me. It kept me out of trouble in high school when one of my friends was in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. I had asked for a soda and designated myself the driver instead. I may enjoy a beer as an adult, but I know full well how the path runs when alcohol runs the show. May God never allow me to succumb or forget it.

In the end, there's no guarantee of any results. There are horrible parents that spawn wonderful children; the saints of tomorrow. There are great parents who raise future convicts. And before I depress anyone there are average parents with average kids, good parents who raise great kids, bad kids, small kids, tall kids, goofy kids and everything in between.

There are no guarantees of anything save God's will, but if you can't look back and feel like you gave it a good effort you will always have to know you didn't give it your all. I get worn out, but at least I know I'm trying. I will make mistakes, but I trust God will use those as part of the crucible to make a man out of my son. As iron sharpens iron, so a parent's mistakes may sharpen a child into an adult, perhaps?

Honestly, I could write so much more. I cut out a lot. That's more editing and time on writing this than all but a handful of other things I've written on here. I could keep going, but I don't think I'd ever finish fully to my satisfaction.

Life is a big, complicated thing. You can't describe every moment, every sensation, every component of a life with words, pictures, or anything else. Life is everywhere, but you can only live your own and share it with so many (of which Carrie and I have chosen each other, Shane was given to us, and my parents and siblings were chosen for me long ago -- I'm very blessed and thankful).

But that's another thing about parenting: it's about life. A child's life. They come in to the world helpless and totally trusting and dependent on you, their parent, to take care of them. Whatever you do has the chance of affecting them for the rest of their lives and you won't know what it was and how it panned out until years and years and years have gone by.

I love my son. I do my best to highlight the best memories on here, and tell the funniest (in retrospect) challenges. I also want to be honest and realistic about what being a father entails in the hopes these words may help Shane or someone else who reads them. I want my son to grow up a man with a faithful heart whatever his personal challenges may be. I suspect his temper will be one of them. I don't want knowing Jesus or the ability to love or forgive to be any of them.

I won't know what sort of parent I will have been until it's all over. A victory now could lead to a defeat later, or perhaps constant defeats will pave the way for what is needed when it is needed most.

Only God knows and I pray my son walks with him in love. Amen.