Everyone worries about babies

One of the first things I learned about parenting, is that everyone worries about babies. It's universal.

The catch is, everyone worries about different things.

The chief worriers are the party responsible for the child. Usually, this means the parents. The amount of pressure that comes with being responsible for a helpless life causes stress. Nana once told me "Every parent starts off thinking 'I'm going to do the best I can for my child.'" Life happens and is much more messy and out-of-control than in our thoughts, and that's when the worry can creep in. I think the more you care, the easier it is to worry if you let yourself dwell upon it.

My life as a parent became much easier when I trusted my son to breathe on his own.


It sounds odd, but it is a fear I had. The hospitals and books all talk about Sudden Infant Death syndrome and how to avoid it. Every time Shane fell asleep for an extended period of time and didn't make a noise, I would be sorely tempted to do a 'Daddy breathing check.' I would peek at my sleeping boy to make sure his chest was moving up and down. Multiple times as an infant, Shane fell asleep in the back of my car with his head at what I considered to be a 'weird angle.' The little tyke would sleep like a rock and wouldn't  respond if I called his name. The paranoid parent in me would want to pull over and check that he was breathing, while the rational Mike would tell me that it's fine and to keep going. Often, I would snake a hand back at a light and place my hand gently on Shane's chest to feel it rise and fall to calm my worries.

Shane kept growing as babies do, and I sleep soundly at night no matter how deeply my son sleeps. I know that he's got the knack of breathing down by this point. The boy can throw himself into places I don't want him to go, so he's not going to let a small blankie cover his face and smother him.

Thankfully, Carrie shared this psychosis with me so there wasn't any friction developed. She wanted me to check frequently! If anything, I got a little annoyed with her, because she was so worried about SIDs that she bought a motion sensitive monitoring system for Shane's crib that was a pain to initially set up! That said, it's very easy to develop friction between anyone caring for a baby when the fears and worries don't match up or one side doesn't appear to respect another's fear. By nature, fear isn't rational so you can't expect a rational, logic response if you don't at least acknowledge another person's worry.

With Shane, everyone involved in raising him has had different worries. Thankfully, we're all part of a very loving and supportive family structure so we didn't allow any friction to develop into any long lasting wounds or feuds. If someone had a worry, they talked about it and we moved on. I think it's interesting, so I figured I'd catalog some of the pet worries people had for Shane when he was smaller.

Major Worries

Mom (Carrie): Germs, germs, and germs. She didn't want to take Shane out in public and anything spoon or bottle that Shane used had to be washed with soap before he used it again. Carrie frequently worried about Shane's health and fretted about SIDs like I did. Anytime Shane's temperature was slightly elevated or he acted upset, she was quick to rush to a doctor. Carrie's other major worry was food. She always wanted to make sure Shane got enough and would rather make a huge bottle and pour out the excess than risk him not getting as much as he wanted. She was also very slow to want to offer him solid food for fear that he would choke or not like it. Shane eats like a horse now, and the boat for that fear causing Carrie great distress has long since passed.

Dad (Me): SIDs was my first major worry. Anytime Shane napped I would look over the railing or crawl down the stairs to make sure his face wasn't covered and that his chest was rising and falling with breathing. Overall though, my biggest fear has been that I haven't measured up as a father. If I'm watching Shane and I'm tired, I worry that I'm not interacting enough or that the TV is on too much or that I'm too quiet when I should be talking to him. This worry is all about me, so it's never caused any friction with anyone else to my knowledge. I want Shane to have a stable, loving home and never worry about the family's finances or that he's unloved. I think I'm off to a decent start, but there's many many more years to run in this race! I would also worry that Shane was not getting out of the house enough or around other kids to stimulate his brain. This would sometimes cause friction between Carrie and I, because she was worried about germs and traffic and I was worried about him staying in the house and not getting out amongst the germs and traffic.

Nana (My mom): Nana frequently worried about Shane being cold. We would send him over in one outfit and he would come back wearing another on top of it. I think half of our infant socks came from Nana's house when Shane would come back wearing two or three pairs. Nana even cut holes in adult socks to act as leg warmers for Shane! On the germ side, Nana had no problem with feeding Shane a bottle and then rinsing it out to use later. I knew this bothered Carrie, so I declined to mention it to her until Shane was older. Nana also didn't want Shane to 'get fat' so she would normally offer less food than we did at a time, but this was partly cancelled out by how often she'd offer food (Nana's a grazer herself). Lastly, Nana's other biggest fear for Shane seemed to be that he would be bored. She set up playstations in every room of the house! Whenever Shane visited, he'd live a nomadic lifestyle moving from room to room with different toys (and boy did he love it). Nana would also try to feed Shane two different types of food at every feeding and alternate spoonfuls.  Overall, I felt like Nana's worries about Shane's clothes or fashion choices (pajamas at church annoyed her) were silly to me, but I appreciated how well she kept him active and stimulated. I sometimes feel like she set such a high bar that I don't always reach it in my own efforts to keep him learning!

Grandma (Carrie's mom): Grandma has some of the same worries as Carrie. She was very concerned about what Shane was eating and wanted to make sure he had a clean house all around him. I think she was also very concerned early on about Carrie because of the emergency c-section and the slow recovery that followed. Grandma has been a fan of homemade baby food from the beginning and would ask us about what we were feeding Shane and how he was progressing with his diet. Overall, I think her worries were very similar to Carrie's about germs too, but because she didn't worry to the same extent as my wife her concerns have kinda blurred and faded some in my memory. It's amazing how fast that can happen. I can remember that Grandma was big on having instant hand cleansers available, but I should probably check with Carrie to make sure my memory isn't deceiving me.

The Grandfathers (Pa, and Grandpa) - I can't remember what if anything these guys really worried or fretted about. I know my dad has complete (and well-founded) confidence in my mom's parenting skills and I assume Carrie's dad felt the same way about his wife since he had left her with the kids while he was at sea in the Navy. If there was something in particular they worried about, I cannot think of an instance where they really showed it. I wouldn't be surprised to learn they worried about Carrie and I's sanity at times, but I think that's par for the course for when you're dealing with a new grandchild!