Part of it is your typical mother wanting the best for her child, and part of it was my romantic escapades were the exact opposite of hers growing up. Basically, I had none. Nana had a boyfriend from 5th grade onward!
Imagine all of the advice I used to get.
Now imagine a teenage boy who really doesn't want to hear it.
"No, Mom. I do like girls." The usual disclaimer. If the motherly advice continued, Nana would hear,"If you don't stop asking, I'm going to mail order a bride from Russia."
She loved to hear that. "But Mike, she wouldn't be Christian!"
"I can pay extra for that. Maybe I"ll buy a pair: one to cook and one to clean!"
I never claimed I was a perfect child.
At least I worked with humor instead of hate.
This saga went off an on for many years. I only dated two women for any length of time that my mother knew about. There were some other dates in between, but I never brought anyone home, because I knew it would be a production. I'm sure Nana started to worry about when she'd ever have grandchildren somewhere during those times and the longer I went hiding the fact that I was interested in finding a relationship the longer she worried that I would never find one.
This isn't conjecture. If there's one thing you can say about my mother it's that she honestly speaks her mind!
"Don't worry, Mom! I hear mail order brides are online now! What color hair do you want your grandkids to have?"
*Ahem* If you read my previous post, you know that I met my wife over eHarmony. You may also remember that my mother offered several times to pay for me to join online dating websites and that I wanted none of her help. The last thing I wanted was an "I told you so" when Mom found out I did have a woman and I found her on a dating website she had tried to get me to join for years (Or worse, Nana could've started singing "OH Lord! It's hard to be humble....when you're perfect in eeevery way!" Ha!). I fell hard and fast for Carrie, so I knew I was going to have to introduce her at some point. I started prefacing some of my mail order bride retorts with "Don't worry, Mom! I ordered a new mail order bride and remembered to request air holes in the box this time!"
When the day finally came to introduce Carrie, I told her that my family had no idea I was even dating anyone. She was surprised at first. I filled in her in the back story and she got a kick out of it (my wife is special to put up with my sense of humor). On the way over, we decided to take things a step further.
We called Igor.
In case you didn't know, one of my best friends was born in Russia. His family fled to the US when he was only six and he's still fluent in Russian. Thanks to cellular technology, we were able to reach him as we drove. Igor agreed to help and coached Carrie in a few basic phrases on the ride over. After hanging up, we spoke back and forth and worked on the accent.
Traffic flowed, so we arrived at my parents in about half an hour. My brother, Patrick, and dad were working in the yard as we walked up. My future wife smiled and I had her introduce herself.
"Privyet! Mayo eemnya, Kataleenya. O-cheen Pre'awt-nah!"*
We quickly continued on our journey. Patrick and Dad were grinning from ear to ear. They knew fun when they saw it.
Mom was working on cleaning the basement. Bill and I had both lived down there and my other brother, Matt, spent much of his time down there. We weren't the neatest trio.
When Carrie walked up, she was speechless.
"Mom, my bride finally arrived so I wanted to introduce her to you."
Carrie smiled shyly. "Privyet! Mayo eemnya, Kataleenya. O-cheen Pre'awt-nah!"
What happened next depends on who you asked. My wife says my mom fell for it hook line and sinker. Nana says she knew it was a joke right away.
I remember Nana was stunned. Impusively, she said "Mike that's illegal!" Then, after a moment of processing, she beamed and screamed out joyfully. Carrie was swept into a hug and my mom said something along the lines of "Don't let that idiot put you up to too much trouble!" In my memory, it wasn't more than a moment or two, but it was a pregnant moment. The kind of moment that seems to stretch on for longer than it really is. I do remember the sparkle in her eye when she realized there was hope for grandchildren! (She was right too! Let's hear it for SHANE!)
There was much rejoicing.
I believe this is the first picture my family ever took of my future wife and I. The quality is not the best, but the memory is top notch.
Boy, do I look goofy.
*Note - Russian has a totally different alphabet than our own with over 30 letters. I tried to remember how Igor spelled the words phonetically for us, so that we'd pronounce them right. Ironically, Igor wouldn't know how to spell them in Russian anyway. He's a fluent enough speaker (even though his parents say he sounds too much like an American), but he says reading and writing Russian is a lot more difficult than English.
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