Bedtime Conversation

Shane's eyes stayed open as he finished his bottle. He drank slowly, as if he was trying to prolong the moment. 

The bedtime song was long finished. I wrapped the boy up in my arms, gave him a big squeeze, and then stood up with him. 

Shane's eyes stayed open.

I carried my son into his room and laid him down on his race car bed.

Shane still looked up at me. 

I gave him a kiss on the forehead and gently mussed his hair.

"Dada sleep?" my son asked. His big brown eyes searched my face. 

"Shane sleep." I said. 

Shane didn't like my answer. "Dada sleep, too?" 

I paused. Little eyes peered straight into mine.

"Dada sleep in Mama's room."

There's a fine line between loving and enabling. Shane doesn't like to go to sleep on his own, but he can. Self-soothing is a necessary skill.

"Dada sleep, please?" Shane asked again.

I tried to switch the subject. "Do you want the light on or off?" I reached up to Shane's night-light turtle. When I said 'off,' I turned the light off. Originally, we thought Shane's reluctance to sleep at night could be a fear of the dark.

"Light on." Shane said.

I turned the light back on.  "Ok. Shane sleep."

"Dada sleep, please?"

Those baby eyes looked into mine and bored in. I don't know what I saw in them, but my heartstrings had been played masterfully.

"Ok. Dada sleep. I'll go when Shane sleep."

I laid down next to Shane and he gleefully flopped on his belly as I pulled the covers over him. I left my hand on his back and gave him a rub for reassurance. Shane kept his eyes open at first. Eventually, they lidded and closed. 

My mind worked as I lay. This was the first real conversation with my son. Oh, we give each other directives all the time. Shane would tell you I don't listen well when he demands the pickle, and I would tell you that he doesn't always like to hear "Time to change your diaper." 

This was the first time I felt like Shane and I were really...negotiating. I know he didn't fully understand everything I said. I threw in the "I'll go when..." more for my sake than his. I didn't want to out-right lie to my son and say "I'll sleep here" and then wander off. 

Baby eyes would crack open whenever I moved. I got up to turn off the fan when it felt too cool, but stayed as still as I could after that. I listened for Shane's breathing and said my prayers to myself to help pass the time usefully. 

After about half an hour, Shane's breathing became deep and rhythmic. I slowly shifted my weight and crawled out of bed.

My son was sleeping. My job was done.

I went to check on Carrie. She'd gone to bed early feeling sick. I peeked my head in, and she was asleep with the lights on. I'd guessed that my wife had passed out earlier, so when Shane started negotiating I figured that no one was waiting on me to do anything. With Carrie asleep, it's not like I could move the laundry without waking her. I turned off the lights. Carrie stirred and we talked for a moment before I slipped out again.

My conversation with Shane felt like something special tonight. I wanted to write it down before I forgot it. There are already so many moments I don't preserve. This felt like one that needed to be.

Tonight, my son wanted me to be with him. We talked it over and I watched over him as he went to sleep. In the morning, I'll greet him when he wakes up. Until then, I hope he dreams soundly knowing he's loved.