Parenting: The Power of Choice

I'm a big believer in giving kids the chance to make a choice. 

Kids need to practice making choices before they're adults and making choices anyway. Our choices help define who we are and who we are going to become, so why not gain some experience early on?

Choices give kids a sense of agency, a chance to learn responsibility, and uncover more of their identity.

Wow, Mike. That was a pretty heavy way to start a blog post. Were you trying to write a research paper?

No, but it's something I think about. It's something that I factor in to how I teach, too, so I felt like it. 

And though, I started heavy a kid's first choices shouldn't be. They could choose the color of the cup they want to use, or which toys they want to take outside. 

Being allowed to choose lets kids practice some control over their lives. If done well, it can give them experience in being decisive when the stakes are low. 

The caregiver's responsibility is to give appropriate choices and then follow through with what the child chooses. In this, bad choices and good choices are both okay. The child should experience the results of their choice and be given time and help to reflect on it. When they're old enough, the kid should be coached to think about any costs a choice may have up front.

And it's okay to make the same bad choice multiple times. Sometimes we don't learn things the first time around. As long as the results are not worst-case, deadly, or a pattern the child can't break free of without help then children should experience the consequences both good and bad from what they choose. 

Most people naturally prefer positive consequences and will aim towards those. What they find positive can reveal something of the identity of who they are and who they are becoming.

The choices we make time and time again build a part of our identity. It can be something as simple as a matter of preference: like cheering for the same team repeatedly or choosing a favorite color. But the repeated choices to do something like being grateful or showing respect build character and the hard choices that have a cost reveal things at a person's core (both to themselves and others).

And it's never too late to start making different choices if someone discovers they're on the wrong path. 

It can be scary to think about giving a kid choices, because it takes away control from the parent and gives it to the child.

But that's the goal. The power to makes choices should be turned over to the child at the right rate for them as they grow into an adult capable of making the right decisions at the right time. 

The parent will lose the power to control choices naturally as they child grows anyway. It's better to cede it naturally in a scaffolded way that builds good character in the child than it is to fight a losing battle that could damage the relationship or child. Or worse, the parent could win the battle.

It's an extra special moment for a parent when a child chooses something they love without being forced.

Which is why I think God offers us choices, too. Love is not in coercion. It is in giving. In giving the choice and sometimes even in paying the cost of that choice for them.

Pet Peeve: Close the Door!

It's winter. It's cold. If we're hopping in the car, it's to go somewhere.

Shane will open his car door, hop in, and leave the it wide open. He will get situated, move stuff around, browse through books, and generally annoy me, but will he think to shut the door? 

And if he complains the car is cold while the door is open?

This is one of those things that I thought was mildly amusing at first. However, after multiple corrections it's grown into a pet peeve. I've definitely raised my voice when Shane has been in his own world and we've been in a hurry.

Rules for getting in the car:

1 - Open door.

2 - Get in.

3 - CLOSE DOOR.

4 - Do whatever you need to do.

5 - Be buckled up before I accelerate past 10 mph.

This qualifies as one of those little things that kids do over and over and then don't understand why their parents get so bent out of shape over something so small!

It's also going to be funny to read this in later years. That's always an important thing to keep it all in perspective

8 is Tougher than Expected!

When Shane was a baby, I figured 7-10 would be some sort of golden age of parenting. It's turning out to be a lot harder than expected.

Shane is a great kid. This is not meant to be a critique of him as much as it's meant to be a critique of the expectations I had about having an 8 year old would be like. Unmet expectations are dangerous....especially when the expectations are subconscious and/or never communicated. This is an attempt of sorts to name those expectations, hold myself accountable, and keep my eyes open.

I assumed that Shane would be more independent and more help around the house this year. I assumed he would like things that were more interesting to me and that would make playing with him require less energy. I assumed he'd be more willing to play on his own, so that I would be able to play when I had energy and move off to rest or work as needed.

Those assumptions would be wrong.

Shane is more independent, but that takes time and effort to train. He can help more, but he has to be shown how (and then made to follow through!). He makes mistakes when he tries something new and that's part of learning. It takes patience and cleaning up after.

Shane has learned a lot and with that comes more questions. That includes questions about what to do and questions about why he has to. He's much better at making excuses than previously. He'll point out anything he disagrees with, but sometimes reacts like he's younger than he is with a pout or a collapse to the floor. His ability to listen has not always increased with his ability to debate (but he still does a good job of behaving overall - Listening in general when he's launching in a story is second nature to him).

With Shane's increased abilities, he's much more capable and requires more energy to keep engaged in positive activities/behaviors. When he was younger, I could get a way with a half-hearted joke, crawling around half speed, or doing something else while playing with him. That doesn't fly anymore.

This feels like an age of transition. Shane is transitioning to new activities, but sometimes still applying younger antics and tactics that no longer work. That can be frustrating for both of us. He's frustrated he can't run and jump in my lap and I'm frustrated that he's trying to after he did something I asked him not to.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart! I'd take three Shanes, but I'm doing my best to keep up with just one.

A Goof Became an Opportunity

Shane came home with red on his behavior chart. He "talked excessively" through the math lesson and over the teacher.

I let him know I was mad. The excuses started and I shut them down. Shane started the "I can't listen/I'm dumb" negative talk and I shut that down, too.

"Don't make it more. Don't make it less. You will do better tomorrow if you want to see electronics again," I said.

And yet, I also saw an opportunity. I told Shane he was lucky he had wrestling. That would give him a chance to see friends and do something even though he was in trouble. THAT gave him a positive attitude! Carrie came out to watch this time, too.

Best practice yet. Shane was more focused than I've seen him. He was still floppity, but on task 85% of the time is fantastic for him. His first wrestling partner was his the boy from his preschool, Matthew, too.

I wasn't happy when Shane ditched Matthew for a sillier partner. I think Shane wanted to wrestle in the middle of the room.

When we got home, Shane had enough time to shower, write an apology, and head to bed a little early.

We told him he needed the extra rest to be focused tomorrow.....and that there'd be hell to pay if he came home with two bad days in a row.

Guess what? He recovered and had a green Wednesday! Carrie let him catch Pokemon with her and watch TV while I was at a wrestling meet. They even ordered pizza without me. 

Jump In or Hang Back?

Shane's reached an age where I try to hang back a lot more. I want to be involved and have fun with him, but I want him to develop some independence and learn how to interact with other kids more. Shane needs chances to make mistakes, have conflicts, and work them  out himself. I want to be close enough if needed, but not so close he looks to me to do it for him.

It's funny how the parenting game keeps evolving.

What Shane needs is another kid the same age to run around with (cool parents a plus). I don't have the energy to keep up or manufacture excitement all the time.

Here's to hoping we find a few local ones in kindergarten. Class starts in 9 days.

Pool Meltdown

Tuesday, we went to the pool again!

Shane tried out the obstacle course. He was in love. Our first visit, there had been a long line. Not so this time. The only other boy braving the course was a five-year old friend from wrestling, too!

However, this course led to our drama for the day. Shane is tall enough to stand on his tip toes and just keep his head above the water (it's 3' 6"). There's not a lot of room to spare, but it's safe enough if he stays tall and doesn't panic.

Guess what! He panicked.

The first fall was telegraphed well in advance. My legs were in the pool, the camera went down and his head went under once as all his swim lessons went out the window.

From that point on, Shane did not want to be in the 'deeper' water. Nevermind that he bounced through the lazy river happily our first visit (also 3'6"...though he mainly stuck to the walls).

However, Shane was still in love with the obstacles. There were only two ways to get back to the start of it: Walk around more than half the pool (the long way or past the deep end) or jump/swim/wade a small gap (see orange arrow below).

Shane was terrified of the gap. I let Shane run around past the deep end the first time, but then decided against it. The gap was convenient and safer than water over Shane's head.

The gap was maybe twice as long as in my picture. The boy jumping in is Shane's friend and almost the exact same size as him. Shane could have almost jumped across the gap and hit the other wall (if the life guards let him get a running start).

Shane refused. He cried. "It's too deep! Help me, Daddy!"

The drama had begun.

Shane's been going through a weird wimpy/fearful stage. It can be frustrating. I wanted to be loving, but I didn't want to coddle the boy, either.  "Shane, you're taller than the water here. It's the same as by the ropes. Here, let's try it out."

Shane protested. He clung to me like I was trying to drown him. I reminded him of his swim lessons  and tried to talk him up to no avail. I helped him across the first time (or two?) to let him see it wasn't so bad and get him hooked on the ropes. Then, I refused to hep him after that. "If you want to get across, you have to do it."

The drama went up a notch.

Shane pleaded and cried, but I wouldn't budge. "Shane, you can touch the bottom. Just try it. I'm right here and I won't let you get hurt. Do you trust me?"

"No! Please help, PLEASE!"

Repeat ad nauseam. No matter how calm or reassuring I tried to be, we got nowhere. Shane's friend, Ryan, tried to tell him how to tread water, too.

Eventually, I said, "Shane, if you're not safe here, you're not safe on the ropes. The water is the same" I pointed to the numbers on both sides. "Either give it a try or play where the water isn't so deep."

We were in a rut. Shane refused to even attempt the gap. Yet, he refused to go anywhere else in the pool either. He wanted to run around the entire pool to get back to the start, but I wouldn't budge on that.

I stayed cool on the outside, but I gave an ultimatum. "Shane, you need to choose: Try the deeper water or go play in the shallows. If you don't pick, we'll go home."

After three or four chances, I said that was it. "You made your choice. We're going home."

Shane bawled. He wailed and gave a tantrum like I haven't seen since he was younger. I carried him out of the pool. It made me feel like a horrible parent, but I didn't think I was being overly unreasonable either. It's not fun, but you have to follow through when there's a hard line drawn in the sand. That's parenting 101.

I didn't say a word as Shane dried off and then wept the whole way to the car and beyond. It was a show. I tried to wait it out, because I wanted to let Shane practice recovering himself. My patience is not limitless, though. Right before we left the parking lot I turned around and commanded, "Stop. Crying."

The ride home was quieter. I didn't point out any snivels.

Shane didn't recover his normal disposition until long after we got home. He didn't take the bait when I tried to distract or engage him in anything else for a while.

Then, it was like nothing happened. He ran around and asked, "Can we go back to the pool again?"

"Of course! Maybe tomorrow!"

And we did go the next day. I wanted a chance at Daddy redemption as much as I wanted to give Shane a chance to play and maybe practice some of his swimming. I don't want him to be afraid of the water.

Only the pool was closed. Apparently, it closes every Wednesday!

We dropped by a spray park on the way home instead.

Shane was the only kid at first, but others came.

An hour later, when my skin was at it's limit, a bunch more kids showed up!

We went home for lunch. We haven't been back to the pool yet, but I want to get Shane back over there. We almost went Friday, but it was not to be.

Next week. It's not like it's not hot enough.

Korean Bakery

Every trip to Northern Virginia ends with a visit to a Korean bakery.

It's Carrie's treat for losing Shane and I for a while.

This exchange falls firmly into the "It's not what I wanted, but it hurts no one and keeps the kid happy/busy."

"Come here, Shane. I need to go to the bathroom before we go."

It took a while.

"Do you need to go?"

Shane shook his head.

"Are you sure it's a long car ride..."

"Nope!"

Plan A failed. It was on to Plan B to prevent Shane frog-hopping out an emergency exit.

"Look! There's a HUGE map on the wall! Where are we?"

In and out. Shane hadn't moved.

Nostalgia: Naps

Once upon a time, Shane napped. He napped long and hard. Only the loudest noises could wake him.

Now, we're lucky if he naps once a week.

Big Decision

Shane found Rocket. Rocket's batteries were dead.

Lesson time.

Shane wanted new batteries. We didn't have any. He asked if we could take the batteries out of something else. 

I told him there were rechargeable batteries in his leapfrog game and Turtle. 

He choose to pillage Turtle.

There won't be a night-light tonight.

If Shane learns either to weigh the present gain versus the future loss or that he doesn't need a night-light I'll count it as a win.

I made sure to stick Turtle in his bed, though. It didn't seem right otherwise.