I'm a big believer in giving kids the chance to make a choice.
Kids need to practice making choices before they're adults and making choices anyway. Our choices help define who we are and who we are going to become, so why not gain some experience early on?
Choices give kids a sense of agency, a chance to learn responsibility, and uncover more of their identity.
Wow, Mike. That was a pretty heavy way to start a blog post. Were you trying to write a research paper?
No, but it's something I think about. It's something that I factor in to how I teach, too, so I felt like it.
And though, I started heavy a kid's first choices shouldn't be. They could choose the color of the cup they want to use, or which toys they want to take outside.
Being allowed to choose lets kids practice some control over their lives. If done well, it can give them experience in being decisive when the stakes are low.
The caregiver's responsibility is to give appropriate choices and then follow through with what the child chooses. In this, bad choices and good choices are both okay. The child should experience the results of their choice and be given time and help to reflect on it. When they're old enough, the kid should be coached to think about any costs a choice may have up front.
And it's okay to make the same bad choice multiple times. Sometimes we don't learn things the first time around. As long as the results are not worst-case, deadly, or a pattern the child can't break free of without help then children should experience the consequences both good and bad from what they choose.
Most people naturally prefer positive consequences and will aim towards those. What they find positive can reveal something of the identity of who they are and who they are becoming.
The choices we make time and time again build a part of our identity. It can be something as simple as a matter of preference: like cheering for the same team repeatedly or choosing a favorite color. But the repeated choices to do something like being grateful or showing respect build character and the hard choices that have a cost reveal things at a person's core (both to themselves and others).
And it's never too late to start making different choices if someone discovers they're on the wrong path.
It can be scary to think about giving a kid choices, because it takes away control from the parent and gives it to the child.
But that's the goal. The power to makes choices should be turned over to the child at the right rate for them as they grow into an adult capable of making the right decisions at the right time.
The parent will lose the power to control choices naturally as they child grows anyway. It's better to cede it naturally in a scaffolded way that builds good character in the child than it is to fight a losing battle that could damage the relationship or child. Or worse, the parent could win the battle.
It's an extra special moment for a parent when a child chooses something they love without being forced.
Which is why I think God offers us choices, too. Love is not in coercion. It is in giving. In giving the choice and sometimes even in paying the cost of that choice for them.
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