New Comedy Routine Material

I'm always writing stories in my head. Especially when it's quiet. It's one of the ways I organize my thoughts.

Sometimes the subjects can be silly as in these comedy bits.

A lot of comedy is in the presentation, pacing, and reacting to the audience, so you'll just have to pretend as you read.

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Unabashed Weeds

I'm not a gardener. I do have a garden and I have a wife who doesn't want it to die.

Somehow that translates to me weeding.

You'd think the person who doesn't want the garden to die would be the one to weed it, but that's one of the inconsistencies of life.

Anyway, weeds.

Weeds amaze me.

They're proof of the phrase "Life finds a way," because you kill them over and over and they don't know to stay dead.

One weed so impressed me with it's gumption I let it live.

I was a little lazy for a couple of weeks and then dagblasted thing grew so quickly I wasn't sure if it was a shrub my mother-in-law planted or not. 

Once I thought it might be something she planted the weed had won. Hands down. I wasn't going to pull it up without confirmation from on high that, "Yes, this is a weed. Pull it out. Good boy."

You see, my mother-in-law planted the garden. She's the reason my wife didn't want the garden to die. Not because my wife's a gardener! This story wouldn't have even happened, because she would have been out happily weeding and I could have stayed in my air-conditioning doing something stupid and less useful!

So I yanked every other weed out, but left the special weed alone.

A couple of weeks later my mother in law visited and was shocked. The weed was bigger than any of the shrubs she had planted! The weed was growing bigger and better than anything she planted, fertilized, and watered! 

If anything, she had tried to prevent the weed by putting down pre-emergents and a weed sheet, but it would not be deterred! That's the sort of preservation they make plucky underdog stories out of in Hollywood.

You have to appreciate that sort of gumption. You really do. I couldn't bring myself to rip the weed up at that point.

It's still there. 

Right now, I probably couldn't rip it out even if I wanted. It's the size of a small tree. Only took a few more weeks, too! If trees grew that fast we could have a new forest every summer!

My mother-in-law's not too happy, but I point at it whenever she's here and brag on how well it's doing.

Here's the picture:

I'm so proud.

If you're a gardener or a botanist and you need to warn me that this plant is something poisonous or will try and conquer the world if it comes to fruition.....wait until after I'm done to burst my bubble. Please.

Speaking of bubbles....There's something else I've noticed about weeds: They don't care about personal space.

All the time, I find weeds growing up in other plants.

That's right: IN.

I guess it's a good strategy. Whatever was planted probably had the good stuff. Good soil. Good fertilizer.

Plus, it makes them hard to see. Especially, if you're an idiot like me. I let that one weed grow to the size of a tree! All plants look the same at first if you're not a gardener! They're green! They have leaves! By the time they're grown enough to know the difference it's too late!

But it makes for some odd analogies if you think about it (There's plenty of time to think while you're weeding. This is the kind of thing I think about in between complaining about the sweat, the dirt and my back).

A weed trying to grow right underneath the plant you is like someone who invites themself into your apartment and won't leave. They just say, "This is nice" and set up shop on your couch.

You'd kick them out, but you're a plant. You can't move. You just sit there....stunned.

Then they keep growing. Soon they're in the kitchen rooting around. Next then in your bathroom (using your toothbrush?).

Another thought is that a weed growing under a plant is a lot like two people trying on the same shirt.

The one person was happy and then somehow someone else slipped in! How's that even happen!?

In the case of my weed tree, I like to think the second person magically morphs into a bodybuilder. The original plant is stuck in the shirt, choking on the collar and legs flailing in the air as this magnificent bastard walks off wearing it and the shirt.

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Time Saved

I have saved a lot of time this pandemic by not bathing.

That's probably not what you expected me to say.

I still have a job. Zoom doesn't transport smells! We'd all be in trouble if it did.

I used to shower off every morning before work. Now, I save that time. I let the sweat dry and go on with life until I can't stand it any more or my wife complains.

Honestly, I'd have thought she'd complain a lot more, but perhaps the fumes affect her thinking.

I tell her it's pheromones. Man scent. She doesn't buy that, at least, so she can't have lost too much mental capacity.

I like to think I'm being environmental: I'm saving water.

And I'm being economical: I'm saving money on soap! Because I'm not using it!

Just one of the unexpected perks of being told not to socialize. I got to lower the bar on my personal hygiene as long as I can remember to put on a shirt without food stains before a meeting goes live.

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Suggested Tasks

Have you ever noticed how people who suggest you do something have no concept of how long it will really take?

They always low-ball it. They make it sound like it's no big deal and you're wrong for not doing it.

But that's almost NEVER the case.

"The garden will be nice and low maintenance. You'll barely have to touch it." Yeah, right!

The other weekend I needed to take my laptop to work, so that it could do a secure update. The whole task should have taken 15 minutes. Tops. 5 minutes there. 5 minutes to update. 5 minutes back.

It took an hour.

I had to back-track, because the car waited until I left to flash a warning a tire was flat. Then I had to figure out which tire was flat (they all looked the same), figure out why, fill it up, realize my kid had left a mess to clean up, take a good look at the safety inspection that expired during the pandemic, and while I'm standing around the wife notices the gas cans for the mower are empty.

The update still only took a few minutes, but now I have to schedule a safety inspection and get the tire repaired. I'll have to bathe, too, because I'm going to have to speak to real people in person!

Archery - One Month Later

It's been a month. How have I progressed?

Qualitatively, I've learned a lot. I know more buzz words, understand more concepts, made my own PVC bow, and feel more satisfied with my skill level.

Quantitatively, I shot only Mediterranean grip and here's how my numbers fare.

Baseline points: 55 pts (0.625 per shot)

1 Month points: 108 pts (1.2 pts per shot)

Baseline accuracy: 52%

1 Month accuracy: 91%

My test was different from my baseline in that I had a different bow, I had damaged fletchings, a bracer, a glove, and the target was on the chair instead of the ground (which I think helped inflate my baseline originally).

Results: I got a lot better.

My third set showed the biggest change. I hit the target with 20 out of 22 arrows (91%) and I was frustrated. 

Why? Because none of the arrows hit close enough to center. 

In one month, I went from happy with hitting the target to expecting to hit the target (52% to 91%). My normal had shifted from trying to hit the target to hitting the multi-point rings.

I was really happy with the results. 

I might have made more accuracy progress if I didn't fiddle with new concepts like a thumb ring, khatra, and shooting left handed. However, I enjoyed broadening my knowledge base. I sometimes have trouble with straight repetition for skill-sharpening, because I enjoy experimenting. 

Some things I've learned:

I've learned a lot about how arrows fly. Fletching matters!

I didn't know much about different styles of archery other than that they existed. I improved the most and was the most consistent with a Mediterranean grip (1 finger over, 2 under the arrow).

I experimented with a thumb ring and my results were highly variable. I was thrilled after my first three shots with the ring looked like this.

Maybe I'm best with the thumb ring! I thought.

Then I totally whiffed the target on the next 2 out of 3. The one that hit was maybe an inch from missing entirely.

I also learned that brass can tint skin green. I thought it could be bruising at first, but Carrie clued me in. My thumb was weaker from my injury and could be sore, but the "bruise" disappeared regularly, too (Maybe after hand washing?).

Some of my side gear is showing signs of wear and tear. I'm losing arrow fetching and the fingertips of my glove are wearing away. I used duct tape to fix the bracer, too. The string kept glancing my forearm without it (I may tweak the brace height).

Before I made any adjustments to the bow, there was something I wanted to measure: The draw weight.

To do that, I needed to make a tool to help measure. It took some lumber, a few screws, and a lot of sweat (because the garage is sweltering).

I measured to see how far I normally draw to my focus point and it was 29". Standard draw weight is measured at 28".

I decided to measure at 28". I figured out the weight of my bow and apparatus. Then I pulled the string down and measured what the scale said.

The first measure was for 43 lbs and the second was for 41.6 lbs. That's not highly accurate, but I was only looking for a ballpark number. The bow and measuring stick weighed about 5.2 lbs together, so I'm looking at perhaps a 37 lbs draw or a little more if I'm really pulling back 29" instead of 28".

For curiosity's sake, I pulled out the fiberglass core and measured the draw weight of just the PVC bow. It dropped about 10 lbs. 

Eventually, I'd like to working with at least a 60 lbs draw weight. Anything over that would be purely for exercise purposes. Most states with a requirement want a 35-40 lb draw weight for hunting. Only one state requires more more: Nebraska...at a whopping 125 lbs!!! Do they want you to be able to kill a bison at the minimum!? That's a medieval war bow!***(See bottom of post)

I may modify the brace height and see how that changes the draw weight. When I didn't have the bracer the string kept glancing my forearm.

The only other modification I've done lately is mark a nocking point. I used some dental floss. At first, I eschewed the idea of any modifications, but it turns out to be pretty convenient (it's like people had a good reason for inventing the idea...). 

I ended up taking a week off after my 1-month check. There was a ton of rain, chores, and it seemed a good time to rest my draw hand. But I'll get back to it! This started as a quarantine hobby, but it may stick around for a bit longer.

***Update on NE
So I did a little more research. It seemed crazy that NE would require such a crazy draw!

The initial site and google search I did seemed to confirm it.

However, I kept digging. Multiple sites quoted the 125 pound minimum, but none of them were what I would call primary or even good secondary sources.

I downloaded the Big Game Guide 2016 for my final answer (2020 would've been better!).

The 125 pound minimum is for a crossbow. There is no minimum weight required for longbows, recurve bows, and compound bows.

I kept my initial reaction, because it's funny. 

Happy Bday, Love!

Carrie wasn't pro-Birthday this year. She said something about "I've never really liked my birthday."

So I went right to the blog to say, "Look! We did this! And this! And...ok, that year was basic, but what about this!"

The day of Carrie's birthday this year was a rainy, muddy mess. She had been scheduled to attend a riding clinic, but they pushed back the start time. To Carrie's amazement, they didn't cancel. She and Micayla opted not to go. That led to a lost deposit and lots of grumbles.

Sunday made up for it. It was a downright party at the barn!

Laura and Amy came to do morning chores, but they brought cupcakes! Barbara and Heidi came too and it was a horse lover's party.

Shane and I came down after an hour of adult time. He brought his normal level of energy.

He revved Loki up to wild levels and got a bruise from the roughhousing. I wish I could say I was surprised.

However, I want to give Shane a quick shout out for discovering a new kitten game. He calls it "Sonar."

The game is simple: Shane takes a small rock and gently throws it. The kittens hear the sound and pounce! 

They're showing good hunting skills. I missed a fantastic video of Aria doing a mid-air take-down of a locust. I hope they move on to mice soon....

It didn't take long for Shane to notice Mommy's cupcakes.

Or Tsuki!

Amy was really kind to make them and she was even kinder to listen to Shane talk about "tick worms." That's a leech in Shane-speak. He watched a video with Carrie on YouTube and was a fountain of facts.

Amy pulled the video up on her phone and they watched it together! Shane and Laura have both worked with leeches and maggots at the hospital. 

Amy entertained Shane while Laura focused on Ernie. He lost a rear shoe.

He got a duct tape temporary one (Is there anything duct tape can't do!?).

Heidi and Laura went for a walk with Eddie and Ernie and Barbara took Maddie for a short spin while everyone talked. It was just a fun time.

Ellie arrived as people were leaving to take care of Magic. He showed up lame for breakfast on Friday. The ladies think it's an abscess that needs to work itself out. He's got some love and Epsom salt baths. 

He was, also, the recipient of a duct tape shoe (but pink!).

Magic pulled a trick on me later in the afternoon. Carrie and Ellie had him on stall rest. I went down to refill his hay and check water. I closed the stall door, but I didn't clip it. I honestly held the clip in my hand and thought, "Nah. This will take a second and he's resting."

A second was all Magic needed.

I heard the door and he was in the aisle as I turned.

He got an opportunity to sniff around as I called Carrie for backup (Flip flops and an unwilling horse aren't a great combo).

Magic's tour of the grounds was brief. He was back in his stall with new hay with only a minor fuss.

For him, it was a bit of fun.

For me, it was a good humbling moment and reminder that little things are important!

For Carrie, it made it added a little more excitement to make the birthday weekend less routine.

For Shane.....well, the kid had no clue at first. When he did see Magic on the security camera and thought to tell Carrie! I was already on the phone with her, but it was a good reaction.

Happy Birthday to Carrie! Sorry we couldn't go to Busch Gardens or do something fancy, but maybe next year!

Mother & Son Riding Lesson

Hooray for horse riding lessons! Carrie and Shane rode together Friday morning.

Carrie turned Shane loose in the arena and said, "Walk around on your own while I get Eddy ready."

That surprised me. I don't think Shane realized the magnitude of that statement, either.

Carrie leans heavily toward caution in nearly all things. To say "on your own" to Shane on a horse was a step for her as much as him (It's also a sign of how much she trusts Maddie!).

I kept an eye out from the barn and watched as Shane steered Maddie over every single pole and obstacle he could find.

"Make sure you do some basic laps, too!" I said. "You don't want to frustrate her before you even start!"

Shane's a lot like me in that. I'd have done the same.

It took Carrie longer than I expected to get ready, but she brought Eddy out to join in.

They walked around the arena for a bit together.

The big lesson there seemed to be "Don't let Maddie cut corners." Carrie wanted Shane to follow her with Eddy and occasionally Shane or Maddie would take a shortcut and come right up on Eddy's butt.

Then Carrie had me open the gate and they went for a trail walk.

Again, I was surprised. Carrie didn't ask me to go with them.

In the past, she's wanted me to walk alongside.

So I stayed at the barn, did some work, and then came out to take some long range pictures as they came along the road.

They turned around and went back along the far path.

I stayed near the front of the property with Loki and opened up the gate (Heidi and Micha were en route).

I couldn't hear much of what was going on, but I did hear some raised voices on occasion. Shane seemed to have trouble with Maddie's brakes every now and again.

Carrie would stop and Shane wouldn't. It'd look like he was trying to do something, but he wasn't telling Maddie the right way ("It's always the trainer's fault for whatever the horse does." Carrie training philosophy)

I heard, "Turn her around!" on this pic and that's what Shane did.

I pointed out Eddy on the trail to Heidi and Micha when they arrived. Heidi was happy to see her boy out exercising and helping!

The trail ride finished shortly after Heidi and Micha's arrival. There was a little debriefing in the arena.

Shane came in looking a little down. Carrie's biggest feedback was, "You can't drop the reigns." She thought that would be a good focus for the next lesson.

Shane was frustrated, though. He had told her his hands got sweaty with riding and the reigns were just too slippery, etc. Then whenever she said not to make excuses he'd do the dramatic collapse in the saddle which would set Carrie to saying "You can't do that one a horse!" and he's start whining....

I heard Carrie explicitly tell Shane he was doing much better overall, but it didn't seem like he heard the message right there. Shane prefers a communication style that's overflowing with praise while Carrie is much more technical by nature.

So I reinforced the positive up at the house.

I asked Shane how he felt about the ride and listened for a bit. Then I said something like, "I was really surprised how much Mommy trusted you to ride on your own in the arena. She must think you're getting better."

That made him stop and think. After a little bit I also brought up, "...This is the first time you've gone a trail walk and Mommy didn't ask me to come for safety. With as careful as she is, that's a sign you're definitely doing better."

By the end of it, I said something like, "Make sure you pay attention to what's happening as well as what's being said. Yes, Mommy is going to tell you what you need to fix. It takes time and effort to be a good rider, but she has you doing more each time. That shows she thinks you're getting better."

"AND I heard her say it," I said. "Some people will lie and tell you whatever you want to hear. Mommy's not like that. She's likely to tell you exactly what you need to fix, so if she says 'You're getting better,' you must really be getting better."

And that's one of the reasons parenting is much easier with two. I was objective while Carrie and Shane talked. I saw things she was communicating that he didn't. Then I was able to bring it back up and make him look at it again whereas if Carrie had brought up how much better he was doing his brain might have snapped straight to the reigns. 

Whatever Shane thought at first, Carrie was happy with how he did. She started to talk to me about making sure he had riding gloves next time "because in this heat his hands are sure to get sweaty." Then she went on about how when she was a kid a different kind of reign helped her to keep her grip when she had the same problem. She had one and wanted to swap it in next time.

Carrie's goal in all this is not to turn Shane into an expert level rider. She wants him to know how to play around and be safe, so that we can do a family trail ride and trot around without anyone falling off. Any more than that will depend on him.

I'm her other project. I'm pretty behind schedule, too! Right now, she's focused on trying to bulletproof Pockets so she can dump me on him like she can prop Shane up on Maddie!

Teacher Work Week

It was a really busy teacher work week for me. I just can't say all the work was school related.

Here, I sat down to rest after morning barn chores.

I was swarmed by kittens and Carrie took my phone, because "CUTE!!!!" Nevermind the sweat.

I was patient. Shane didn't want to stay out of the picture long, and the kittens shifted focus.

In addition to being a full time farmer was parenting. Workdays give me something to do, but not him. I'm hoping it will be easier when his teachers babysit him so I can babysit my students.

We played motor pool Friday afternoon.

I showed Shane how to check the oil level on the mower and talked him through how to do an oil change.

I did the actual dirty work, but I had him help pour the old oil into the jug.

Carrie came out to mow after we were done. 

That still left me with the boy. 

I've let Shane earn use of my computer, but that kicks me off it. No blogging. No making materials.

I've done some paper planning, but Shane isn't the only one vying for attention.

"Ball! Throw ball, hoo-man!"

I haven't missed a zoom call and I've signed up for a few trainings. The trainings were for things I already know, but they count for licensure points. They also gave me a reason to be on the computer and for Shane to leave me alone (Which was hard for him! He definitely walked by shirtless and tried to give me bunny ears once).

I've learned that I'm very much an outlier. One, I wanted to go to school in person, and two, I'm not terrified of teaching virtually. It's just a thing. To me, this is a calm before school kicks into high gear.

To others, this is a time of great frustration. The county is changing guidance and updating things on the fly. It's driving some people to paranoia. They build something, hear something new, and throw their hands up in frustration.

Meanwhile, I know what I want to do, so I've sat back and watched it happen. I've only done general plans and will finish what I need in concrete on labor day. That way things won't have time to change on me (and with it being a holiday the odds of the county issuing any course changes are much, much lower).

So that's been my work week. It really doesn't feel like a work week so much as a normal week with some bonus tasks that keep me in the AC and on the wifi. The real fun starts Sept 8th!