Sometimes the subjects can be silly as in these comedy bits.
A lot of comedy is in the presentation, pacing, and reacting to the audience, so you'll just have to pretend as you read.
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Unabashed Weeds
I'm not a gardener. I do have a garden and I have a wife who doesn't want it to die.
Somehow that translates to me weeding.
You'd think the person who doesn't want the garden to die would be the one to weed it, but that's one of the inconsistencies of life.
Anyway, weeds.
Weeds amaze me.
They're proof of the phrase "Life finds a way," because you kill them over and over and they don't know to stay dead.
One weed so impressed me with it's gumption I let it live.
I was a little lazy for a couple of weeks and then dagblasted thing grew so quickly I wasn't sure if it was a shrub my mother-in-law planted or not.
Once I thought it might be something she planted the weed had won. Hands down. I wasn't going to pull it up without confirmation from on high that, "Yes, this is a weed. Pull it out. Good boy."
You see, my mother-in-law planted the garden. She's the reason my wife didn't want the garden to die. Not because my wife's a gardener! This story wouldn't have even happened, because she would have been out happily weeding and I could have stayed in my air-conditioning doing something stupid and less useful!
So I yanked every other weed out, but left the special weed alone.
A couple of weeks later my mother in law visited and was shocked. The weed was bigger than any of the shrubs she had planted! The weed was growing bigger and better than anything she planted, fertilized, and watered!
If anything, she had tried to prevent the weed by putting down pre-emergents and a weed sheet, but it would not be deterred! That's the sort of preservation they make plucky underdog stories out of in Hollywood.
You have to appreciate that sort of gumption. You really do. I couldn't bring myself to rip the weed up at that point.
It's still there.
Right now, I probably couldn't rip it out even if I wanted. It's the size of a small tree. Only took a few more weeks, too! If trees grew that fast we could have a new forest every summer!
My mother-in-law's not too happy, but I point at it whenever she's here and brag on how well it's doing.
If you're a gardener or a botanist and you need to warn me that this plant is something poisonous or will try and conquer the world if it comes to fruition.....wait until after I'm done to burst my bubble. Please.
Speaking of bubbles....There's something else I've noticed about weeds: They don't care about personal space.
All the time, I find weeds growing up in other plants.
That's right: IN.
I guess it's a good strategy. Whatever was planted probably had the good stuff. Good soil. Good fertilizer.
Plus, it makes them hard to see. Especially, if you're an idiot like me. I let that one weed grow to the size of a tree! All plants look the same at first if you're not a gardener! They're green! They have leaves! By the time they're grown enough to know the difference it's too late!
But it makes for some odd analogies if you think about it (There's plenty of time to think while you're weeding. This is the kind of thing I think about in between complaining about the sweat, the dirt and my back).
A weed trying to grow right underneath the plant you is like someone who invites themself into your apartment and won't leave. They just say, "This is nice" and set up shop on your couch.
You'd kick them out, but you're a plant. You can't move. You just sit there....stunned.
Then they keep growing. Soon they're in the kitchen rooting around. Next then in your bathroom (using your toothbrush?).
Another thought is that a weed growing under a plant is a lot like two people trying on the same shirt.
The one person was happy and then somehow someone else slipped in! How's that even happen!?
In the case of my weed tree, I like to think the second person magically morphs into a bodybuilder. The original plant is stuck in the shirt, choking on the collar and legs flailing in the air as this magnificent bastard walks off wearing it and the shirt.
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Time Saved
I have saved a lot of time this pandemic by not bathing.
That's probably not what you expected me to say.
I still have a job. Zoom doesn't transport smells! We'd all be in trouble if it did.
I used to shower off every morning before work. Now, I save that time. I let the sweat dry and go on with life until I can't stand it any more or my wife complains.
Honestly, I'd have thought she'd complain a lot more, but perhaps the fumes affect her thinking.
I tell her it's pheromones. Man scent. She doesn't buy that, at least, so she can't have lost too much mental capacity.
I like to think I'm being environmental: I'm saving water.
And I'm being economical: I'm saving money on soap! Because I'm not using it!
Just one of the unexpected perks of being told not to socialize. I got to lower the bar on my personal hygiene as long as I can remember to put on a shirt without food stains before a meeting goes live.
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Suggested Tasks
Have you ever noticed how people who suggest you do something have no concept of how long it will really take?
They always low-ball it. They make it sound like it's no big deal and you're wrong for not doing it.
But that's almost NEVER the case.
"The garden will be nice and low maintenance. You'll barely have to touch it." Yeah, right!
The other weekend I needed to take my laptop to work, so that it could do a secure update. The whole task should have taken 15 minutes. Tops. 5 minutes there. 5 minutes to update. 5 minutes back.
It took an hour.
I had to back-track, because the car waited until I left to flash a warning a tire was flat. Then I had to figure out which tire was flat (they all looked the same), figure out why, fill it up, realize my kid had left a mess to clean up, take a good look at the safety inspection that expired during the pandemic, and while I'm standing around the wife notices the gas cans for the mower are empty.
The update still only took a few minutes, but now I have to schedule a safety inspection and get the tire repaired. I'll have to bathe, too, because I'm going to have to speak to real people in person!
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