Ask Questions! Don't Lecture! (The Stretch!)

Shane loves to talk. Not so much to listen.

As a teacher, as a parent, kids don't just do what you tell them. I frequently tell Shane, "Ask questions!"

He probably gets it from me. He's an only kid and asked a lot of questions growing up. I'm a teacher, so...I teach. I don't think I drone on, but maybe to a toddler with five words worth of patience it could've seemed that way.

Still, at this point it is awkward when Shane tries to explain things to me I already know. 

Sometimes right after I just explained it to him! Like a parrot!

He does the same thing with comics. He'll want to verbally explain a Far Side comic. Nevermind that I remember it and say the punchline. Shane will want to talk through the whole thing!

I'm his dad so I love spending time with him, but droning on and on is NOT a good social skill. 

I know Shane does it with kids his age, because I hear him do it to Cole when they're on the phone. He'll do it while we're at Dylan's, or at a soccer practice. Once Shane starts talking, he doesn't do stopping!

Which needs to change. He's an extrovert and loves to be around people, but poor social skills will drive them off. 

So I tell Shane to "Ask questions."

It goes beyond taking turns in a conversation. 

Dale Carnegie taught me that learning about a person shows you care. Those aren't the exact words. I haven't touched How to Win Friends and Influence People since Nana offered me cash to read it in high school. However, one of the early chapters stuck with me. It talked about the value of learning someone's name. It's a small feat, but it shows someone you think they're valuable enough to remember. 

If showing someone you can learn their name works, how much more would hearing what they have to say and remembering it go?

Nana was the one who first explicitly told me: "People like to talk about themselves." She pointed out Jama. Jama gets along with a lot of people, because she asks questions and then is interested to hear the answers (I'm not going to say she also likes to repeat the best bits, but people do tell her all sorts of things!).

Biblically, there's a verse in Galatians that's often paraphrased down into "to know and be known." It's referring to a relationship with God, but, as people are made in God's image, I believe it can be applied on the human scale, too. 

People want to feel like they're valued and belong. Knowing their name, their interests, and having some inside jokes makes them feel comfortable and valued. It works in reverse, too! People feel more comfortable when they know the names, interests, and commonalities with the people around them.

In Shane's case, he tries to create that feeling by talking non-stop. I like that he always has something to say, but if he wants to plug in with those around him he's got to ask questions and listen more. THEN, the next step is if he remembers what people tell him he can bring it up. 

Shane has the drive and interest in connecting with other people (100% extrovert!), so I feel like he should be the one asking questions to start the conversation. It's a simple change that I hope he will learn to see the value of. I've seen him struggle with making new friends at times. He's a great kid with a ton to offer as a friend....but being a friend is a skill. Asking questions and listening is a fundamental part of it.

I just wrote a lecture on asking questions. I swear I don't drone on like this in person. How is your day? Anything interesting going on? I can ask questions! Don't you believe me?