A Sour Note

The pool was a huge blessing over the summer. Sadly, it ended on a sour note.

The 2nd to last time we went to the pool, Shane called a kid "fat," made the kid cry, and nearly started a fight.

I saw parts of it, but for some of it I was too far away to hear. I heard from Shane and I heard from the other boy's dad, so this is probably close to what happened.

Shane said he got a "bad look" from the other boy. He said he didn't know why. They were both in 'the well' (deep-end), on the same side of the pool, and maybe 15 feet apart. The boy was alone, but there were other kids behind Shane.

Shane replied to the bad look by talking to himself and calling the boy "fat." Possibly multiple times.

The boy didn't hear Shane (I think), but the boy's sister who was right behind Shane heard him badmouthing her little brother.....and her little brother had been bullied over the summer about his weight.

She went straight into defense mode and started yelling at Shane. I heard something like "I could punch you in the nuts" clearly from the picnic tables. 

I was watching by that point and saw the sister yelling and out of the pool. There were lots of other adults around that end of the pool and multiple lifeguards, so I waited to see what would happen.

Shane looked smug or at least snarky. He swore he was trying to do his "straight face," but he had his head above water, eyes partly closed. and facing away. The girl, still obviously pissed, used her foot to step on his head and dunk him for a second. I almost jumped up, but that was the extent of it.

The brother and sister got out of the pool and went to their parents. The lifeguard made Shane sit in time out on the other side of the pool. Sid motioned to me and I went over to talk to him and the lifeguard. They told me what they knew and I said I would have Shane talk to me once he'd served his time-out (Basically, I wanted to reinforce the lifeguard's authority, let Shane face his consequences, and have some time to think!). 

Shane looked miserable in time-out as he should have. 

When he was done, the lifeguard told him to get up and that was when I made him come talk to me.

I didn't have to lay on the guilt too heavily, because Shane seemed aware he'd done wrong. He tried to say that people call him names sometimes like dumb, but I didn't let him excuse-splain his way out or try to lessen that he'd made fun of another kid. I asked him how it felt when older kids made fun of him, he responded, and then I pointed out he was the older kid calling names in this case. 

I remember fragments of what I said as I talked to make Shane empathize with the kid and realize how his words could hurt. He cried.

I know I mentioned "Calling someone fat can be fighting words," and "If you can't say something to someone's face you shouldn't say it" (and even if you could say it, doesn't mean you should either!).

The brother, sister, and their mom left at some point in that time window. I don't remember when. I would have made Shane march over and apologize right then and there if they'd been around.

I kept Shane out of the pool for a while in time out with me. He seemed genuinely beat up and repentant. 

And then I made Shane get back in the pool 5 minutes before break.

He'd wanted to go home. He was ashamed and embarrassed. I told he should be both, but that he couldn't mope forever either. He needed to go out and be kind to some of the other kids before we'd go home.

Sometime when Shane was away, the boy's dad arrived. He offered his hand and introduced himself, and said "I heard our boys had a problem."

So we talked. I told him what happened as I understood it. I said Shane was wrong to say what he said, and had cried while we talked it over and I kept him out of the pool. I told the man I intended to make Shane apologize the next time he saw his son. At one point, the man said he would've been more upset if I'd run over yelling. I told him I was glad no one was hurt and held no grudge especially since Shane was the one who said the first words.

We talked for a bit, shook hands, and then he left seeming satisfied. I think I summed things up at some point saying that I hoped "it was a learning experience for everyone. Your son will learn that his sister will look out for him, and my son will learn to watch what he says." 

It gave Shane and I more to talk about when he got out of the pool. 

One thing that had come up, was the man didn't see the need to apologize for his daughter dunking Shane (he brought it up, not me). He said he expected his daughter to stick up for her brother and that he'd taught his kids "Talk shit, get hit." I told Shane that I didn't agree with that philosophy as a Christian ("Turn the other cheek," and all), but that it would be a common philosophy in the area. I want to speak words that build like in Ephesians, or to speak life like in the Toby Mac song.

I wrote this post in my head many times over the next several days. I prayed about the situation and made Shane pray about it to. I told him he'd have to apologize and he said he "didn't want to/was afraid to" partly because it was hard and he was embarrassed. I told him he had to if he wanted to start the healing process. If not, things tend to fester and it's better to make friends than enemies. I brought up the dropped Switch incident (Which I didn't write about? Oops).  

Whether the boy accepted the apology right away or not, Shane needed to what he needed to do: Apologize.

So I was disappointed when no one was at the pool when we went our final Sunday. I'd wanted to clear the air before the pool closed for the season.

Sid was there and I told him that. He seems to know everyone, so I hoped word would get around that Shane had come with that intention.

So I leave this post with the situation not resolved to my satisfaction. I would have preferred for Shane to apologize. I would have loved for him to apologize and make a friend. As is, the dads talked and the other guy (I think he said his name was Josh) should know I hold no grudge and intend to make Shane apologize. I guess it will have to wait until next summer, though.

Writing this reminds me that I should make Shane pray about it all over again at bedtime prayers. It's been a while, but since it happened, but that doesn't mean it should be forgotten. Myself, I pray that Shane learned many valuable lessons about the power of words, empathy, and forgiveness.