Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Thoughts from Chores - There's Hay in my Shoe!

Shane was scooping poop in the boy's lot while I was in Eowyn's. I looked out at him and thought, I need to give him some positive feedback soon. He was working real slow, so I figured I'd wait until he scooped a pile or two more.

The next time I looked Shane threw his shoe. 

I guess I waited too long!

There had been hay in Shane's shoe and it kept poking him and it "was super painful." 

I ended up chewing Shane out some instead of praising him. I made him put his shoe back on and keep scooping. He was whiny for a while, but thankfully he pushed through it enough and I could praise his efforts at the end. 

It's tough to figure out the right amount of positive reinforcement. 

I'm Dad, so Shane needs to heed what I say...

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 'Honor your father and mother'—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 'so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.' " (Ephesians 6:1-3)

...but I need to do it in the right way. I can't chew Shane out all the time or set unrealistic expectations for him.

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4)

In general, it's good to be positive as much as possible. Kids need it. Words are forgotten, but people remember how you make them feel. 

However, it needs to be explicit, character-building, and genuine. 

"Good job" is nice, but a generality. "Good job! You did good at ______," or "I liked how you _____," is better, targeted feedback (which we all need no matter how old we are!). If there's constructive criticism that can be given, I try to let the praise stand on it's own first. I don't want Shane to hear an impending 'but...' whenever I compliment him on something. 

I hope to praise things that build Shane's character. I work to praise effort and learning more than outcomes. I try to find positive character traits to praise like empathy and truthfulness. If Shane does something stupid, but is honest about it I try to thank him for his honesty before I give him the consequence (and sometimes I tell him what the consequence would have been before I reduce it because of his honesty).

But the hardest part for me lately is knowing the right timing for genuine praise. I want to praise Shane's actions, but I'm not about to clap each time he uses the bathroom. I cheered like a madman when he was potty training, but the time for that is past! Cheap praise that isn't heartfelt can be damaging. It lowers expectations. I wanted to praise Shane's efforts in the field before he threw his shoe, but I knew it wasn't much of an effort for him at that point. I was annoyed when he threw his shoe because A) he threw it and B) he spoiled an opportunity where I wanted to be positive!

What I have mentioned yet is that when Shane complained of hay stabbing his feet he had no socks on with his shoes. I had recommended he put them on before we left for chores. I saw the potential problem ahead of time and warned him. I left Shane to his own devices after the warning and left before him. I figured he would either heed me or he'd take a risk and maybe learn why I said what I said. The jury is still out on if Shane learned the lesson I intended or not, though!

Despite moments like this Shane's turning out to be a great kid in my opinion. We're all broken and we all make mistakes. Learning something the hard way is still learning, so this isn't an open criticism of Shane. It's me pondering what it's like to be a parent. 

You could reread those previous paragraphs and change the focus to "What did Mike do wrong?" Should I have required the socks before leaving? That would have prevented the whole incident. Or would it have started a power struggle over something inconsequential? Or what if I'd started to praise Shane sooner? Would he have worked through the pain then and earned more praise later?

I want to be a good parent, but even the best human parents don't get it right all the time. I think it's important to take an honest look at my own actions as much as Shane's. "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:5)

Just some chore time musings. This is an example of one of those posts I normally don't always sit down to write! It's easier when there's a bunch of pictures.

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